10 New Year's Resolutions I Wish My Kids Would Make
2018 is almost here which means it’s time to start making my New Year’s resolutions. I’ll start with the old standbys like “devote more time to doing things for myself” and “yell at my kids less” but I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, so the jig is up. Seeing those unrealistic resolutions hanging on my vision board will only make me feel worse about myself. That reminds me, I need to make a vision board! Ugh! And I need to hang up that corkboard I bought in ’09. See what I mean? So after thinking about it for awhile, I realized that it really wouldn’t be my resolutions that would make the biggest impact on 2018, it would be the resolutions my kids would make. If my kids could just get it together and stick to some simple resolutions, 2018 might just be the best year yet.
Here are the ten resolutions I wish my kids would make:
- I will not get sick the moment Daddy sets foot on an airplane to go out of town.
- I will sleep later on the weekends instead of waking up even earlier than usual. And I will try to sleep EVEN later if I know mommy was out late and may have had one too many “mommy juices.”
- I will only make friends with kids who have moms that my mom actually likes. And definitely not moms that will invite her to “parties” where she will be forced to buy face cream or jewelry.
- I will throw the sippy cup full of milk in more obvious places so it doesn’t get lost somewhere and make the car smell like a vomitorium.
- I will pick any protein other than a hot dog and eat it regularly. (Seriously, ANYTHING OTHER THAN HOT DOG.)
- I will not injure myself, especially my face, at least 72 hours before a professional photo session.
- I will pick a new favorite show that doesn’t require fast-forwarding through commercials. (I’m looking at you, Paw Patrol!)
- I will figure out how to separate my underwear from my pants BEFORE putting it in the hamper instead of looking at it like it’s a Rubix Cube.
- I will not go in the park sandbox on the day that our house is professionally cleaned. I promise to wait 24 hours before bringing all that disgustingness into the house so mom can bask in the temporary cleanliness.
- I will clean up the toys I am currently playing with before dumping out new bins of toys. JUST KIDDING! HAAAAA! I just threw that one in because sometimes it’s fun to play make-believe!
I plan on presenting my kids with these resolutions just before they beg me to stay up late for New Year’s Eve. I’m hoping they’ll like me more in that moment and be more keen to listening. But, hey, I’m a realist. I understand that there’s no way all of these will come to fruition. The truth is, I’d be overjoyed if my kids would just resolve not to have screaming matches during the three minutes I take a shower. Just that would make 2018 a HUGE success.
But if not, there’s always 2023. That’s the first year both of my kids will go to sleepaway camp.
Jennifer Curnes is a stay at home mom of two living in Chicago. When she’s not counting down the minutes until bedtime you could find her eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon or writing about it at http://nutellaoutofthejarwithaspoon.tumblr.com